Why is asking for a pay rise so difficult? Many of us know our worth and the value we bring, yet when it comes to asking for a pay rise, we freeze. This hesitation affects confidence, career growth, and especially impacts women in tech.
Below I unpack why that happens, what the data says, and practical steps you can use to make the conversation easier and more effective.
1. The landscape: pay trends and the gender gap
Real-world pay pressure makes asking for a raise feel harder: recent pay-rise budgets have softened after record increases in 2023, so managers are more cautious about approving uplift. Employers’ salary budgets in recent years have averaged around mid single digits percentage-wise, and recent reports show pay awards flattening in 2024–25.
At the same time, the gender pay gap remains real in the UK: in April 2024 median hourly earnings for full-time employees were £19.24 for men and £17.88 for women. That gap both shapes women’s expectations and how pay conversations are perceived.
2. “Do women not ask?”: the evidence is more complex than the myth
Popular belief says women don’t ask for more money. Recent research contradicts the simple version of that story: large-scale studies find women ask for raises at similar rates to men, but their success rates tend to be lower. In other words: the initiation rate may be closing, yet outcomes still favour men in many contexts.
There are two important subtleties to keep in mind: first, explicit clarity from employers matters. Experiments show that when job adverts clearly state salaries are negotiable, the gender gap in negotiation behaviour shrinks or disappears. Second, even when women do negotiate, they are more likely to be turned down or encounter subtle pushback.
3. Psychological barriers: confidence, self-belief and risk calculation
As coaches we know that confidence and identity play huge roles. Negotiator self-efficacy – the belief you can negotiate well, strongly influences whether someone initiates a negotiation and the strategies they use. Training can improve self-efficacy and outcomes; conversely, low confidence makes the whole process feel riskier to the individual even if the potential reward is large.
This is relevant for women in tech, who often balance high responsibility with environments that reward visible assertiveness. The fear of backlash, being labelled “difficult”, or damaging relationships can make asking for a pay rise feel like a social risk, not simply a financial one.
4. A short, practical script: asking for the pay rise (two versions)
Use language that’s confident, factual and collaborative. Below are two scripts you can adapt to your context.
Quick, confident script:
“Thank you for meeting me. Over the last 12 months I’ve led X, delivered Y (quantified results), and taken on Z responsibilities. Market benchmarking for this role shows a median of £AA–£BB and my target is £TARGET. I’d like to discuss aligning my compensation to the contribution I’m delivering. What would be the best way to make that happen?”
If you expect pushback on budget:
“I appreciate budget constraints. If a salary increase isn’t possible now, I’d like us to agree a clear plan: the specific outcomes I’ll deliver, a timeline for review, and at least one alternate form of recognition (for example: bonus, equity, training budget or title change). Can we set dates and measurable targets now so this isn’t left open-ended?”
5. Evidence-based tips that work
- Prepare evidence: quantify impact (revenue attributable, efficiency gains, client retention, projects led). Use a short one-page “value report” to share before the meeting.
- Use market data: benchmark salary bands by role and location rather than relying on gut feel. (ONS, sector reports or recruiter data are good starters). Office for National StatisticsBrightmine
- Make negotiation environment explicit: when job postings or managers note salaries are negotiable, negotiating becomes easier and fairer. If the role has a published band, reference it. Gender Action Portal
- Practice the ask: rehearsals and negotiation training measurably increase comfort and often outcomes; tailored training helps women close gaps. scholarworks.calstate.edu
- Plan alternatives: if salary isn’t possible, negotiate for non-salary items you value and set a date for revisit.
6. If you’re worried about “backlash”
Research shows that outcomes are not only about who asks but how social context responds. Where possible, frame the conversation around business outcomes and future contribution rather than personal need. Use allies and line managers who can advocate for you in calibration conversations.
7. Take a quick first step
If you haven’t already, take the short quiz I created to build clarity about your current position and confidence levels. It’s designed for women in tech but open to all: https://confidence.mataralifecoaching.com/payrise
If you’ve done the quiz and want tailored help to prepare your ask, drop me a PAY RISE message me and I’ll send a one-page template you can use in your meeting.
Resrouces for this post:
https://www.brightmine.com/uk/resources/total-rewards/pay-trends/pay-trends-2024-december-report
https://www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/earningsandworkinghours/bulletins/genderpaygapintheuk/2024
https://www.wtwco.com/en-gb/news/2023/06/uk-employers-adjust-2024-pay-raises-following-record-rises-in-2023-wtw-survey-finds
https://hbr.org/2018/06/research-women-ask-for-raises-as-often-as-men-but-are-less-likely-to-get-them
https://vcresearch.berkeley.edu/news/new-research-shatters-outdated-pay-gap-myth-women-dont-negotiate
https://gap.hks.harvard.edu/do-women-avoid-salary-negotiations-evidence-large-scale-natural-field-experiment?utm_source=chatgpt.com
